Alois' Pancakes
by noijonas
Summary: One morning, Alois wants pancakes. So, Claude goes out of his way to make them. AU, Parody.  CRACK FIC!  YAOI!  HANNAH-ABUSE!


One day, Claude was making pancakes for Alois, cause Alois wanted some. Claude was busy fangirling over Ciel Phantomhive, and he accidentally spilled everything all over. So, Sebastian had to come clean it up, because it was an 'order'. So, Sebby did that, while Claude made the damn pancakes. When he brought them to Alois, he couldn't open the door. So, he called Sebby. "I can't, I'm cleaning the pancakes!" So, Claude called Ciel. Ciel started crying. "I can't! I might break a nail!" So Claude kicked the door down like the ninja he is. Turns out, it was Alois' bedroom at all. It was actually the bathroom, and that's where whore [oops, I mean Hannah] was hiding. "What are you doing?" Claude asked, staring at her. "What am i doing? What are you doing?" Claude wasn't pleased. "I'm hiding. From Alois. He's trying to rape me." Ciel laughed. "Who'd wanna rape you?" But actually, he was kind of sad. Ciel took the pancakes from Claude, and took them to Alois' bedroom, and threw open the door. "What are you doing?" Alois asked, playing Mario Kart DS. "Pancakes?" Ciel said, handing him the plate. "Ew. You eat them." Ciel teared up, and force of habit, replied;

"Yes, my lord."

Alois jumped up, and threw his DS at Ciel. "What did you call me?" Ciel started crying, and ended up choking on the pancakes. "Why are you so mean to me?" He cried, and spat the chewed up pancakes on the rug. "I'M NOT MEAN!" Alois screamed, and kicked Ciel in the leg. "I'm just a little kid!" Ciel cried, and Alois sighed. "Fine, clean this mess." He ordered, and left. "I might break a nail!" Ciel wailed, and Alois screamed. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BATHROOM?" And Claude and Sebby were downstairs, making out. Hannah was making Alois' new pancakes. "This is your fault!" Alois screamed, shoving Hannah's face into the griddle. Hannah screamed, but no one cared. Ciel came downstairs, crying. "I have your rug germs all over my hands now!" Alois held up a kitchen knife. "I HAVE YOUR HAND AND PANCAKE GERMS ON MY RUG, YOU ASS!" Ciel cried in the corner for a while, while Alois ate his pancakes. "Sebastian! What are you doing!" Ciel screamed, noticing the two butlers. "No-nothing. . ?" Sebby said, jumping off of Claude's lap. Claude frowned, and left. "OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!" "God, Alois, SHUT UP!" Ciel sat on Sebby, and cried as hard as he could. "Cieru, you shut up! All you do is cry. Stupid kid." Sebastian picked up Ciel, and took him upstairs, accidentally dropping him. Twice. Hannah ran outside, and tripped on the newspaper, and took it in to Alois. "Here," she said, and handed to him. His smile faded. " here? You say here and expect to get away with it?" He snatched the newspaper, and whacked her with it a million times. Claude came back into the living room, wearing a red jacket. "What are you wearing?" Sebastian asked, staring at him. "I'M SORRY, SEBBY, I CAN'T BE WITH YOU! I've decided to marry Grell Sutcliff!" Sebastian [Well, let's just say he went like this: O.O] "But! No! You cannot!" "SEBASTIAN, MY EYE HURTS!" Ciel screamed, from Alois' bed. "SHUT UP, HONEY! I'M BUSY!" Alios walked up the stairs, laughing loudly at Claude's outfit. A minute later, Ciel got his ass kicked. "WHY WAS HE IN MY BED? I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM, DAMN FANGIRLS!" Grell threw open the door. "CLAUUUDE ~" Sebastian teared up. "Farewell, Claude," Claude left and ended up marrying Grell, and they had many creepy demon/reaper children.

Two years later, Alois finally noticed.

"Hey. . . Where's Claude?" Ciel hit his head against the table, which wasn't a smart move. The table left a big, red mark across Ciel's forehead, and Alois couldn't stop laughing. "What was that? Bouchan!" Sebastian screamed, seeing the marks. "What did you do to him?" Alois blinked. "Nothing OwO" Sebastian was never the same, after Claude left him. He was sad, and kind of creepy. The doorbell rang, and Alois was forced to go open it, since Sebastian was bathing Ciel. Because yes, in the real world, a fifteen year old can't bath himself. It was a creepy kid with red hair and red eyes. "Hi. I'm Squeejee." Alois stared for a second, and slammed the door. Ciel ran out of the bathroom, crying. "SEBASTIAN'S TOUCHING ME INAPPROPRIATELY! ALOIS, HELP ME!" And without warning, a wet, naked Ciel crashed into him. Sebastian followed him. ". . .If you haven't noticed, that's how you bathe a person." Alois was crying on the floor, under Ciel. "Why are you crying?" Ciel asked, clinging onto him. "You're. . . so heavy!" And with that, Alois died. "Oh no! I killed him!" Ciel said, and ran back to the tub, and slipped. Sebastian pushed him in the water, and finsihed washing him, rolling his eyes.

"How did we end up to be the only people left? Considering this isn't even your mansion. Should we go back?" Sebby asked, and Squeejee crashed into the window. "Ahh! WTF IS THAT!" Ciel screamed. So, Sebby accidentally drowned Ciel, but it didn't matter. Sebastian got up, and left the mansion, locking the door behind him. Ten hours later, he kicked down The the Sutcliff/Faustus door, and screamed. "Claude! I missed you!" And so, Claude left Grell, and their twenty two kids, all named Sebastian, and married Ciel's butler.

Well, they're all named Sebastian except for Squeejee.

Alois wasn't actually dead, so he got up, and yanked Ciel out of his tub. "Get out," So, Ciel got up. "Alright. . ." And as though it was magic, Alois grabbed Ciel, and kissed him. And so, Sebastian and Claude moved back into the mansion, Alois and Ciel finally had sex, and they all lived happily ever after.

"So. . . Where's Hannah?"

**[[Author's Note: So. . . Written at 3 am. It was made for my cousin, Marshy. Yeah. GO GRELL! *sighs* I love Alois. Meh. Bai now.]]**


End file.
